A couple of my nonfiction ramblings.

[rebeccajane]

I just wanted to share a couple of things that I wrote when I started writing out my thoughts and emotions early in my transition. Ultimately doing these got me to where I was brave enough to start writing a story. Hope you liked it. 

This was a letter I wrote to 'him', in a way so I could make peace with who I was so I could finally move on to who I am. 

Dear Rob,

I started noticing a while ago that you (as in my big old masculine self) started fading away when I looked in the mirror, and it seems like it's happening quicker and quicker.. I also realized that you're the one person that I haven't apologized to for what happened.. I've expressed how sorry I was to our ex, our children, even our family and friends. You made a life of your own, with your own hopes and dreams and I robbed you of those... I understand how much that hurts, because those hopes and dreams are still mine as well.. I never wanted to hurt you or anyone that you and I loved.. I truly am sorry I didn't stay dead and buried like you had hoped I would so you could have finished out the life you wanted.

I've realized though that we have always been a pretty good team together.. Through you I have grown to love things that I would have probably never gotten to experience had you not been with me in this journey.. I got to do things that I really enjoyed that would have probably not happened had things worked out like it did.. I love the outdoors, hunting, fishing, camping, and even working on mechanical stuff... Things that would have been frowned upon for a girl to do back in the 80's.. The most important thing though above everything else was through you I got to experience being a Dad.. While I might regret not ever being able to carry a child at times, getting to be a Dad will always be our shining moment.. Something that I will never regret in a million lifetimes.. Thankfully though I was there for you when certain situations would happen that a lot of guys would have issues with... Like that infernal embroidery machine lol.. I remember how much you cringed at the thought when you were asked to learn how to use it so you could then teach them... I mean what would people think if they knew you were learning how to embroider... I'm glad you let my enthusiasm to learning how to do that out, as you have shared your joys with me I think you got the same from me occasionally.. I also know that a LOT of guys would have a hard time being in the delivery room, but you felt my happiness in being there and it also became yours.. We've had a pretty amazing life so far, even though I know your fading away you won't disappear.. Just like I've always been a part of you, you will always be a part of me..

Finally I want to thank you for everything you have done. I know that all these years you protected me this entire time.. I know you had worked in around in your head that you were protecting the world from me, but the truth of it is, I wasn't strong enough to face the world like this 30..20...10...hell even just 5 years ago..I wouldn't be here now had you not brought me to this point.. I can never thank you enough for that.. Just know that all the hopes and dreams you had built I am going to keep working on, even if they won't be exactly how you planned.. I'm going to try though...

I know you had been worried that I wouldn't have friends, would lose my job and all these other worries you had for me.. As it turns out there was no need to worry.. As you well know I have so many wonderful friends, and I'm still working... Even if things get weird at times lol... As we both move on with this one life we have shared just know that as you fade out of sight I will always know you will be with me, as I have always been with you...

I promise I will do everything I can to be as good a person as possible to make your sacrifice matter...


Rebecca Jane C.

My second I'm sharing is something I wrote after being interrogated about, well my transition and crap.


Gotta get on my soapbox


Over the past couple of years I have had so many people question the things I do... Well of course people questioning my transition, but that isn't what I am talking about. When I first started along my path there were several people that asked what I would do for work once I transitioned, since it was so obvious that an aircraft mechanic is too manly a job.. Now I have had people ask me about my second job, as door security at a bar, isn't being a woman "bouncer" strange... A lot of these questions have come from the transgender community, but not just from them.. I understand people not wanting to draw attention to the fact they have transitioned so they can just "blend" in, but what I am hoping to say is much more than just what line of work you do doesn't define you... It's so much more to it..Too often I get the feeling that so many have fought to "fit" into a stereotype so no one would figure out they were "different", only to finally accept themselves and then fight to "fit" into another stereotype once starting to transition..

I spent most of my whole life trying to be that masculine macho guy, so that no one would ever have a clue to the truth.. I did this very, very well.. Once I started to accept who, and what I am, I no longer cared to "fit" into a nice neat little box anymore.. I am different.. No matter how much I wanted to be 100% male back then, I know I was never truly one.. Also no matter how much I would like to be 100% woman, I also know I will never be totally a woman.. I know I have the mind, heart, and soul of a woman, but it was encased in a very large masculine exterior.. That is my truth, I Am different, and that its okay to be different.. What I do for work, how I present, and my anatomy does not define who I am as a person.. People that know me, know that my actions, and how I treat people truly defines me, that my friends is how it should be.. I think most people know that I am a somewhat decent person that usually tries to do the right thing..

As far as the whole gender deal, I'm going to tell you something that I have figured out... Society has created the "gender binary" as in there is only male or female with nothing in between.. If you don't fit either of the binaries most people believe that society will make fun of you.. The truth of the matter is that there has been no one alive that would ever truly fit into that binary concept.. It is okay to be a manly, man, that has a tender side, or a feminine woman who does like to do "manly" things, or any mix in between.. Too often people hide things so they will fit in, I have a problem with this. When someone hides a portion of their personality, of who they are, because they are afraid of what people might think, they give that person power over their well being, their sense of self worth, and their happiness.. The only person that has the power to effect your happiness, your self worth, is you.. As far as myself I know my self worth, and I refuse to let someone make me feel less because they don't agree with how I live my life..

In closing, I want to say this.. We all have so many different facets to who we are, what makes us so uniquely you.. Like a diamond the more facets that show, the more brilliant, the more light that is refracted, and the higher the value of the gem.. When one starts trying to hide a facet, they essentially take a sharpie to that diamond and start blacking out facets.. When you show the diamond you are to the world, do you want it to shine in all its glory? or have half of it blackened out and shining so much less..

Anyway, that is a few of my musings that directly let me to start writing more...
Rebecca

[lizzybennet]

Thanks for writing this Becca, it's very moving

What you've done is very brave (braver than I am) and I wish you only happiness.

What you said about the binary gender definitions not being for everyone really struck home for me. I don't feel comfortable as the world sees me being 'male' but also I'm turned off by the idea that to be female/a transgender woman/CD etc is a 'humiliation' or 'demotion'. An idea that comes from our Patriarchal society, but sadly gets repeated so often on sites like FM and BC.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Good luck x

[rebeccajane]

Jul 15, 2017 12:23:55 GMT lizzybennet said:

What you've done is very brave (braver than I am) and I wish you only happiness.

Thank you, but I don't really see it that way. There is a lot more to the story, but in short... I hit the proverbial brick wall with my struggle and for the second time in my life it almost ended me. I had two options, keep fighting it knowing that it would 'win', or finally face the issue head on so I could keep living. I chose the option with the best chance of survival. There were some really dark times in the process, and these ramblings of mine were my way of coping. Some of my writings, while I did share on my public media, were really darker. I just posted my more positive ones here. While life isn't all flowers and kittens, since I live in Florida its more like all sunshine, rain, and humidity... which i guess is close enough lol. I'm mostly through with the really dark moments... Mostly...  I often tell people I'm not really all that strong... I'm just really resilient. 

As far as the Binary concept... It's all a fake, there isn't anything binary with masculine or feminine. We ALL are on a gradient scale, it just takes enough people to challenge that binary BS to show that hey we're all 'different' from each other, and thats okay... I'd much rather be different and unique than to keep fitting into a cookie cutter mold of what society accepts. I don't fit into a mold, or even really a label.. Last conversation I had with someone talking about how I label myself (you should be proud I didn't hit them, although I wanted to haha. Think kind thoughts think kind thoughts.). I simply said I don't, but if you insist here it goes.. I'm a transgender Navy Veteran, aircraft mechanic, musician, comic whose daughters still call Dad, fit that in your mold or label.. I simply refuse to fit because that crap is too confining

Peace and love to you Litzy 
Becca

[rebeccajane]

Funny thought I just had, and had to share..

The only thing in my life that I'll accept that's confining is my bra, if I let the girls run wild they get really sore really fast..

[Sam]

Rebecca

I taken time to read this before making a comment, as I often miss things during a first read and can and do put my foot in it and can do so Often. Even taken time I
can do it.

The letter to "him" is a thank you for all the support, often via struggle to be who you are meant to be. "He" gave you a life of many happy memories to the important events on this journey,there will be disturbing events as well that have helped you to get the balance that all is not good or bad.


"Society has created the "gender binary" as in there is only male or female with nothing in between."

The world prefers to have little boxes, everything to fit neatly here and there, black and white, forgetting a lot of grey in between.

I am a Male with a very feminine side who loves to dress as a woman, I cry at many things that men should not and get strange look when I do we have emotions as well and need to show them, thanks to my Mum who encouraged me not to hide them away and let them.

I was involved in a conversation at work recently while on a break with managers, I am just a General Assistant working with other GA, and not sure how the conversation got round to Transgendered topic and it was obvious to me that despite a company policy to be "out" it is difficult to do so.

I have often wanted to say I cross dress and enjoy what I do wanting to keep the nail polish on to see if any is said, or wear a bra.

Thank you for posting Rebecca as it shows what can be achieved for an individual when you are brave enough to show the world the real you.

For me I have to keep a shaprie close by me and to have my diamond shine less that I should.

[rebeccajane]

Jul 16, 2017 7:00:37 GMT Sam said:

#1 The world prefers to have little boxes, everything to fit neatly here and there, black and white, forgetting a lot of grey in between.
***
#2 I was involved in a conversation at work recently while on a break with managers, I am just a General Assistant working with other GA, and not sure how the conversation got round to Transgendered topic and it was obvious to me that despite a company policy to be "out" it is difficult to do so.
***
#3 For me I have to keep a shaprie close by me and to have my diamond shine less that I should.

 #1- You are absolutely correct the world/society does want everything to 'fit' into a nice neat little narrative that doesn't make them question anything. I hate that thats the case, but sadly it is. More than often when you make someone question what they think/believe it creates a lot of hostility. People are ultimately afraid of change, and people like us scare them. That's just the world we live in. I read something a few years ago and it resonated with me. Often I, and others like me, are met initially with hate and disgust, once I had learned the above principles it made me alter how I responded to it. "Hate" is a byproduct of fear and ignorance, in other words I realized they are ultimately afraid. I changed my approach to new people accordingling, and I've reached more people than I ever thought possible. 

#2- Coming out for me, especially in my field, was horribly difficult... At first. I found out that they more people I told, the less afraid I became. I used one of my quotes in my story, That horrible weight that I had been carrying started getting lighter and lighter with each person I told, regardless if they were accepting or not. It was like each person started carrying a bit of that load. It's been 4 years for me since I've been openly out at work, and its still gets awkward at times; I use my wit and humor to navigate most of my difficulties. Again my success has been greater than I would have ever believed possible. 

#3- Sweetie, I totally understand that. My diamond probably looked like a lump of coal for over 40 years. That simply made us like the vast majority of the worlds population, and not even talking about something as scary as trans. We are raised to care what people think, we want acceptance to validate that we are loved and liked. That's okay. Most people will live their entire life like that, and you know thats okay to. For me to get to the place I am now, I had to go through... I'll just say I was in a incredibly dark place when I started loosing my ability to cope with my situation. I hope that you, or anyone of you never have to get to a place like that in your lives. Miraculously I survived, I still don't know how, but I did. After overcoming all the fear that I had carried for as long as I have, once I overcame the fear of letting people know... I made a decision, I never want to be afraid again... Well spiders and snakes are sorta okay to be afraid of..

Love ya girl. 

Becca

[Sam]

Thank you Becca

I did feel when reading your story

"That horrible weight that I had been carrying started getting lighter and lighter with each person I told, regardless if they were accepting or not."

I picked that up later when you shared the events that scared Robyn as she shared with Rebecca it got lighter and with Alicia who loves both Robbie and Rebecca.

Also if you are able to laugh things are not always as bad as they seem it just takes a bit longer to lighten the load.

I try not to judge others for who or what they wish to be as I have to judge myself and nature is and always has been to help rather than hinder as I know a lot of things people have taken the time to share and trust me not to pass. I will not as a saying goes a burden shared is a burden halved.

I better stop how as I am rambling on.
Love and hugs back at you Becca

[Bryony Marsh]

Years ago, when I was dipping a very cautious toe into the confusing waters of "trans-something", I was fortunate to get to know a very wise person –who was also called Becky, as it happens.

Becky was a transvestite, like me, but she didn't let it worry her. She had a much better time than I did, in consequence. She was at university, and I recall that she was the only male permitted to join the Women's Society, for instance. She was 'out' not merely in the sense that she didn't care who knew her proclivities, but out having fun.

In the pub, that British wellspring of all wisdom, Becky told me her thoughts on the subject of conformity:

“Wearing the clothes of only one gender is like buying all your food at the butchers.”

Bx