On 'fish' and 'ponds'

[Debbie V]

All the talk recently about setting up a new TG fiction website (with our without blackjack and hookers) got me thinking back to six years ago when I first joined BigCloset, and eleven years (eleven!) when I first contributed to Storysite. When I write those stories in 2006, I never expected anything to come of it- I didn't even expect any comments, and any I did get were a pleasant surprise. The same applied when I uploaded the first part of Charlotte in 2011- back then I didn't even know if I'd write any more chapters of the story (even though I did leave it on a cliffhanger). But then, throughout the following years, I gradually started writing more and more, and as of today, I currently have 142 chapters uploaded to both BC and FM. And yet... I've never really felt like I've belonged.

I guess I am a bit of a hypocrite in ways. I tend to steer away from long, rambling chapters, whilst exclusively writing long, rambling chapters myself (warning: this post will probably be similar). I sometimes leave months between chapters of the same story whilst going to work on others (though I'm trying to rectify that, and It is an effective way of avoiding burnout and/or writer's block) and expect people to be able to pick up from where I left off when my latest chapter eventually does find its way onto the net. I crave comments, and yet I rarely leave them myself. Perhaps this means I deserve to feel the way I do- like I'm a very small fish in a very big pond.

Before I go on, no, this isn't a cry for attention. Well, not an intentional one, anyway. This is me trying to get something off my chest that I've felt for a while. And that's always been a problem for me. I'm 35 years (plus about 18 months) old, for all my life, I've known I was different- but not in the way you might initially think. Sure, I've had transgendered thoughts. On a daily basis. Hourly, sometimes. But I'm so closeted I'm finding Christmas presents for 2030, and I'm likely to stay that way- my one attempt to come out ended in disaster. No, the way I'm 'different' is a little thing called 'autism', and it's messed me up all my life. I was only diagnosed a few years ago, but by then the diagnosis was at most a formality as the symptoms have been there my whole life. Most notably: I have difficulty interacting with others.

It's hardly a coincidence then that this will only be my third post on this board. And like most of what I say, it goes on for ages and has little actual meaning. I'm always happier communicating one to one than to a crowd (real crowd or internet crowd), but I'll make an effort on here. Or at least try, lol. I kinda forgot where I was going with this post. :-)

Debs xxxx

[rebeccajane]

First off I wanted to apologize for taking so long to respond, but I just finally got home from my two week work related trip. I saw this yesterday morning (I think it was yesterday at least) and between taking my end of course test and catching flights back here to Tampa, service and time was spotty at best.

Debbie, it has more meaning that you probably believe. Like you when I first overcame my 'fear' of what could happen and posted the first chapter of my story, I didn't expect any meaningful response. Oddly enough, several people really enjoyed (or seemed to) my first offering... So I continued, and to my own disbelief people continued to enjoy what I had to offer... Now I'm finishing the 22nd and last chapter of the first of two books (I hope I can finish it in two) of a story I originally expected to be <40k word short story.

Also like you I crave the comments, good or bad (I still don't know how the good far outweighs the bad), but totally suck at leaving them... I try to though, I just have to try harder. While I haven't created something so all encompassing as your 'verse, I'm still very new at this and I consider you a lot bigger pro at this than you probably see yourself as.

I have a close friend who's son is autistic and, while I can't understand exactly how it is for you I can easily sympathize with you. My friends son is a pretty amazing young man, but suffers greatly at socializing with new people and it takes him awhile to open up and be comfortable with someone 'new'. I know how badly closeted I was, especially after the huge failure that my first attempt at 'coming out' was as well... I'll just say conversion therapy at 12 years old sucked hard core, and leave it at that.

I'm really glad thought that you can be more yourself through your stories, I think we all see a glimpse of who Debbie V is when we read anything in the verse. Thank you for that, I really mean that.

While you're 35 (+ 18 months), you never know what might happen. When I was 35 I was adamant with myself that I would die before anyone else ever knew about Rebecca, then when I was 39 the proverbial 'poop hit the fan'.... 5 years later here I am. I wish beyond anything that I could bottle up, whatever it was that let me overcome my own fears, and give it to people. I truly wish that more than anything. Just know that whoever the world might think you are, we here (and your readers) know you, and I mean you as Debbie.

I look forward to seeing new stories from you, and I will look forward to reading your posts here.

Much love and respect to ya girl,
Becca

[Bryony Marsh]

Debs,

I can relate to a lot of this: particularly craving reviews while seldom leaving them.

Perhaps some people in the community are society's "linkers" and "carers" while it takes a different personality type to be the "creator". Here, though, we have an artificial concentration of authors, selected because we fit a particular mould. We'll have to see how that works out.

I think one needs a certain amount of... almost arrogance... to deliver on a big story project, but I still need affirmation. Even the reviewers who write that they "want to see something about 'x' in Part 2..." Don't they get it? The fucking story is finished. Can’t they tell when a story achieves closure? Don’t they know the difference between a middle and an ending? I crave even those kind of comments.

Personally, I don't serialise. That may be a facet of my control freakery. Everything has to be in place, or you'll never see it (although I am enjoying the snippets and unfinished symphonies format, on here).

Just followed your link, too. Again... I know exactly what you mean! I, too, have used tranny fiction as a substitute, or a means to resolve the urge to crossdress. Although I fall off the wagon, once in a while.

Don't let autism be a label, or a millstone. Remember it's considered to exist on a spectrum, and that means everybody is on the same spectrum. And a whole lot of other spectra, simultaneously. As was Isaac Newton, the genius who revealed so much about the physical world, but who would also deliver his lectures to an empty classroom, if nobody showed up.

People are different! Life is more interesting, and perhaps more productive, as a result.

B.

[Sam]

Debs I also just followed your link to your blog on your mother finding your stash of clothes and them being disposed off, and are not cheap to replace, if you ever can or even desire to do so

The urge never goes away, NEVER. I have more female clothes than my wife, so that is some urge.

We are a group that have come together,invited by Christina, through our stories and emails to share and support each other.

So now we all have somewhere we can all belong.